Can't Go Back, May As Well Go Forward...

And so here we are...intro one to post one on a web page I've been talking about forever! Truth is, sharing can be scary, even for someone as unfiltered and oversharing as me, but, fuck it!  I made a promise to myself, and, since life doesn't let you go back, I may as well go forward. Plus, scared never stopped me before!

I'll kick things off with some of that SLL real real: I ugly cried on the curb today. Yup. An almost 33 year old woman couldn't keep it together long enough to cry in private like a normal person, and I just let it flow on an SF side street. Why? I've been feeling lately like I've lost my way on a road which my intuition tells me has no single direction, and yet that doesn't stop me from feeling lost all the same.

I've got the 7 year itch in a job that ain't scratching the surface of what I'm capable of, while being simultaneously surrounded by a kick ass crew of friends telling career crushing glory stories. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE immersing myself smack dab in the middle of a bunch of doers, and I am REALLY stoked for their endeavors and successes. But...I want that same glimmer in my eye when talking about the thing that takes up most of my waking hours. Life is too short to waste my energy on anything less than awesome, but how do I get to "there" when all I know is I don't feel good "here?"

When I was 25 and floundering, law school sounded like the perfect choice: it's a defined path forward, makes good money, and my ass looks great in a pencil skirt. But here I am, years older, having accomplished what I'd set out to do, and feeling none the wiser. So this time, when choosing my next move, I'm going to revert to some childhood wisdom and go by feel. I'll trust my inner Jiminey Cricket, and let my conscience by my guide. But to do that, I've gotta do the inner work, feel all the feels, and let myself be open to the process, even if that means being so frustrated I break down into waterworks on the street.

I have no idea what the right answer is or where I'm going to end up professionally, but I've got a roof over my head, healthy food to fill my belly, and friends to feed my soul. Life IS good. And as I stood up, brushed myself off, and continued on down the road home, I recalled some street art I'd come across earlier in the week. Granted I had to kick a cigarette butt out of the way to get the perfect shot, but, hey, nothing's perfect. And that's totally ok. I'm determined to enjoy the journey of self discovery that comes with reexamining the question of what I want to be when I grow up, and what a perfect reminder to keep my eyes and heart open as I follow my feet wherever we shall go. 


Mellie Mel
Mellie Mel


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